From the Notebook

About Romance

blogqz01 | 08 February, 2010 19:46

I am writing this post because Valentine’s day is approaching. In general I am not very sensitive for particular date, and the meaning of it. But it seems that many people’s states of minds are difference this time of the year, so it should a right time to talk about romance.

It seems that in modern days, romance is not talked about so often. People often talk about relationship, love, family, sex, etc. But the word “romance” is not used so often when people talk about real life.

There are certain connection between love and romance. But people tend to avoid this word because they find this word to be “cheesy” for real life. It seems to be some thing related to fantasy, something you read in a novel, and when I think about this word, duet ballet dancing kept bopping up in my head.

The reason is there is certain lightness related to the meaning of the word “romance”. Romance usually is referred to something that is driven by emotion and passion, disregard or in spite of real life concerns.

In dealing with subject such as romance, there are limited sources. There are many created works such as novels, music, films, etc. But otherwise, one has to draw from own experience. From my own experience, from the few relationships that I had, I can see the element of love one way or another, but only in one relationship I can see romance. Although in this relationship, there are many problems (evidenced by the fact that it only existed in the remote past), there is something about this that will lighten my heart when I think about it, and make me feel that life is very much worth living. So I concluded that romance is something good for me. The question is how to identify it, and how to find it.

From my own experience, and using references from creative works, it seems that romance has often associated with the element of surprise, or more accurately, it happens unexpectedly. This might be why in ordinary dating process, the word romance rarely appears.

To go more in to detail, romance occurred when people are both detached and deeply involved. They are detached because they have no other reason to be with each other besides wanting to be with each other, they are deeply involved because they will always seek the present of another, and live the life as if the other is always present.

In my earlier post, I talked about some people will play game with relationships. Here I like to say that the rules and expectations of dating and relationship do make them feel like games sometimes. To me, it seems that the rules and expectations could be obstacles for romance.

People like to emphasis the difference between men and women (in heterosexual relationship), that in most times, there seems to be a difference of expectations between men and women in dating and relationships. In general, men seem to be more concerned about getting into intimate relationship with women (short or long term), while women are more concerned about the outcome of the relationship. In some extreme cases, some men would be allergic to the word “relationship” even if they are in fact in a relationship, and some women would refuse to get into a relationship without the outcome of marriage, or some would be stay in unhealthy relationships.

None of these are good news for romance. The origin of these problems are actually the same, that is the belief in “love at the first sight”, and/or emphasis on sexual attraction. I think “love at the first sight” is a myth that has mislead many people. Even if you look at love story in creative works, you will find many cases suggesting that it is unreliable. A simple example is the story of Scarlet in “Gone with the Wind”, Scarlet was mislead by both her good impression of Ashley, and her bad impression of Rhett

I don’t deny instant attraction, even sexual attraction exists, but the problem is people often use it as the only thing (or at least the most important thing) in evaluating relationships. This problem starts with the fact that people often have instant attraction to someone when the appearance of someone fit into the standard of ideal. From the story of Scarlet, we know that her ideal had almost nothing to do with who she was (so that she could not appreciate Rhett), and the projection of Ashley as her ideal reflected her lack of understanding of the ideal and Ashley. As there is no meeting of the mind, Scarlet’s story is not a story of romance.

The same mistake has been made by many people now. As people start the relationships based on first impression, the relationships could be lack of solid foundation, so most relationship could not last. As people have not realized what is the problem, they will all draw the conclusion that relationships often fail. If men are not pressured for committed relationship or marriage, many will give little efforts on establishing relationship, more on getting into more (in hope of some thing better will come up). As more women feel more pressure for committed relationship, some women would be reluctant to getting into relationships, while others would often try to hang on to broken relationships.

Depending on personality, different combination of factors could trigger instant attraction on different people. But no matter what are the factors, the first impression could be misleading. In the end, the emotional attachment one can have for the other really depends on how they feel about each other. It is difficult to explain compatibility, and chemistry has often been associated with instant attraction. I think what really matters is how people appreciate each other, and how much they care about each other.

This is why ordinary dating may start at the wrong end. Once people start dating, there will be expectations (not to mentions many believe that certain rules need to be followed), and people will judge the other according to expectations. First, people will often act not because they want to, but because they know that they are expected to do so. Second, when people act not out of their own initiative, they will often end up count cards on who did what, so the relationship will become a game that scores are kept, so individual’s identity will be kept separate, not united.

There is another layer of complication. Sometimes, one person could be good to other because he or she wants something in return, or there is a possibility of this motive. To make a judgment about this possibility, the best way is look to inconsistence, and in the overall behavior of a person.

Men often prefer skip the courtship before starting relationship because courtship often means work for them. Many might feel that they are rated for their acts, so the little that they can do the better. To the extent many of them seems to establish their self esteem on how little efforts they made for women to be with them.

But unless they are not carrying on a serious relationship (it seems that most people do end up have some kinds of serious relationship with someone), then how they start could affect what is going to come. Quickly jump into a relationship when both are not emotionally ready can only create one problem or another.

To be fair, the general rules of dating or relationship usually require men to take the lead. As women often are more concerned about the outcome, they are naturally more concerned about how the men think. If the emotional connection is not there, then they will obviously feel insecure, and demand or wish for more. In the end, it is the problem of expectation.

The bottom line is people should not be with each other if they do not care for each other, and people should not make an important decision that will change their lives under pressure. The sensible solution is both men and women should be patient from the start to the end of relationship. Good thing don’t come cheap. In the term of relationship, it is at least partially measured by time and patient.

That is why I think people should take a second look on friendship. The word “friendship” between men and women had been misused, mistreated, and sometimes treated with hostile attitude. It has been used to cover up ambiguous sexual relationships, word for breaking up, and something as indicator of lack of romantic interests. Actually many people questioned whether men and women can truly be friends, and the conclusion usually is no.

That is just too bad. I believe for the health of the society, for the equality of women with men, and for the quality of romantic relationship between men and women, it is necessary for men and women to establish friendly more often. Can we blame people for not being able to establish health relationship when men and women are so disconnected that friendship is either impractical, or forbidden? In many areas, it is still a men’s world, if women cannot establish friendship with men, then women more often than not are shut out of many opportunities

Friendship is also very important for romantic relationship. I do think that traditional courtship where men had to make the most efforts should be things of the past. The relationship between men and women should start with friendship (although friendship should be standing on its own, should not be just be in anticipation of intimate relationship).

If men and women can often have genuine friendship with each other, there will be more understanding with each other, help each other broaden the knowledge and understanding of the world and life, and will be able to have better romantic relationship with each other because of the understanding and knowledge. Actually, I think pure contact and efforts in themselves will have advantage. People could be hostile or bias just because of lack of knowledge of each other. This is basically due to the fear of unknown. More contact will help break the myth.

I do believe in the end, both men and women usually want the same thing. The reason that their expectations are different is often due to the different situations. As men usually are not eager to get into a relationship, and women are often more eager to have a committed relationship, they are doing the work for the others.

No matter what, bad relationship hurt both no matter who ends it, and how it ends. If both care for each other, for some reason they cannot be together, it would be easier for both to accept it and even remain friends (to support each other if they can) and it would hurt less. Most people would treasure the chance of being with someone who they really want to be with, so more efforts to make it happen may be not too much to ask.

*Please look for my other posts regarding the modern life, Men and Women, art and entertainment, about discussions related to issues in this post.